Dear 2020,
“The Thing in Us,” Brennan Alexa 2020
Dear 2020,
I have read a handful of Facebook and Instagram posts wishing you away. People are already looking to begin again fresh, a new year before we are even halfway through you. I cannot share the same sentiments, because although you have been quite challenging in your methods, I want to thank you for inviting my demons to the table and encouraging us to share a meal and talk story.
What does this mean? It means that you gifted me time to reflect by removing all of my distractions. You furloughed my jobs, you cancelled my plans, you locked up my sanctuaries. You disallowed access to my personal liberty outside the confines of my home. You hid my friends. You closed my mountain and you forced me to slow down. For a while I had a car and was able to escape, but you stripped me of that too. You left me in the scariest place I could ever imagine. You left me alone. I had no where to run to, television filled no void, neither sex, nor preparing food. Everywhere I turned there I was.
I am grateful to you because you brought me to my breaking point. I hit rock bottom in you smack-faced down. You held a mirror to the sickness in my mind. An ugliness that existed 30 years before you came around. An illness that made me sigh wondering if it would be a good day when waking up instead of kissing the sun feeling thankful for another one. It made me look our and only see the world and people only as something to improve instead of what was already magnificent. My disease had become so intrinsic, that even on good days it existed subtly in my thoughts and on bad days it swelled in my mind.
This ugliness was used against others and myself spreading like a virus with every negative thought. When I fell smack-down so hard on my face, for the first time I did’t ask you, “Why are you doing this?” For the first time in my life I asked , “What can I do to change?” I didn’t know the answer, and I certainly didn’t know the steps, but I had opened the door and let your lessons in.
I invited my demons to the table to have a discussion. I talked with rage, loneliness, and sorrow and I asked them what did they want to share and the more we get to know one another one-by-one they left the table and all who was left was fear. I spoke to her and asked her why she was at the bottom of all of my emotions and she told me in a small voice that all she needed was to be loved. I didn’t have the words to comfort her so all I could do in the moment was to hold her.
Once I new my sweet fear, I was able to catch her when she came sneaking in my emotions. I began to ground her in thoughts of gratitude. Going on walks and thanking my feet for their movement, the breeze for helping the trees dance, and the sun for kissing my skin. In turn she began to gift me a new perspective of the world with the love she began to feel. Abundance began to flow, my steps became lighter and gratitude became easier to acknowledge. Life began to feel magical, love plentiful, work became unburden-some, interactions so much more meaningful. Every day now feels like a gift.
2020, I thought that you had given the world a virus, but when I tasted it in my mouth I am now certain that what you gave us is medicine. On tough days I will remember you for your lessons and practice to live each day in gratitude.
I love you,
Brennan
